~*:CONTRIBUTED BY The_Phantom_OPERATOR:*~
One day, 3 men wanted to join a certain cult so they approached the
high
priest of that cult. The high priest told the three men to each do some
evil
deed. The three men went home. The next day, they returned. The high
priest
asked the first man what evil thing he had done. The man said, "I
killed a
man." The high priest said, "Very good. Now go drink the unholy water
and
become one of us."
The priest asked the second man the same question. The second man
replied, "I
robbed this woman, raped her and then I killed her." The high priest
was
very impressed. "Go drink the unholy water
and join your new brothers." When the priest asked the third man the
same
question. The man replied, "I pissed in the unholy water.".
~*:CONTRIBUTED BY The_Phantom_OPERATOR:*~
Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when
he
realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the
washing
machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse
and
phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's
Daddy,"
Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the
bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you
haven't
got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the
bedroom with
Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and uncle
Frank
that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few
minutes
later, the little girl comes back to the phone. Well, I did what you
said,
Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no
clothes
on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out
the
front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my God... And what about
uncle
Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all
scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must
have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit
the
bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead too." There is a long
pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? We don't have a swimming
pool.....Is
this 854-7039?"......Oopps??
~*:CONTRIBUTED BY The_Phantom_OPERATOR:*~
At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled
"Sex for Dummies".
Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to
reproduce?
Aren't there enough of them with AOL accounts now???
~*:CONTRIBUTED BY The_Phantom_OPERATOR:*~
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one
of them shows up 30 minutes late.
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What
kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."
~*:CONTRIBUTED BY The_Phantom_OPERATOR:*~
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were
captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and
says, "the bad news is that now that we`ve caught you,
we`re going to kill you. We will put you in apot and
cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a
canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you
die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief
gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs
himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the
chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head,
says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is
puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new
Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There`s blood gushing out all over, it`s horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty,
what are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, dummy!"
~*:CONTRIBUTED BY The_Phantom_OPERATOR:*~
A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl
asks her mother "How old are you?"
Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age,
you'll learn later on in life."
The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"
Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk
about, you'll find out when you are grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks,
"Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me
very
much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her
girlfriend
about her and her mother's conversation. The
girlfriend
says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your
mother's drivers license. It's just like a report
card, it tells you everything."
The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The
girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32
years old."
Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did
you do that?"
The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how
much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds."
The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you
learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I
know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F'
in sex."
~*:CONTRIBUTED BY The_Phantom_OPERATOR:*~
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman
"Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad
day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked
for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the
problem was today the answer came back, "I've just
found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered
another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your
family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
~*:CONTRIBUTED BY The_Phantom_OPERATOR:*~
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a
cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his
friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag
and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that
monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a
million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf
bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his
million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a
million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a
million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of
hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch
Bic?"
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they
couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent
the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and
didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside
and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he's pretty
weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks
where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having
an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making
love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains
on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I
have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in
town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you."
"Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's
wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls
again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes!
We're getting married in June.
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.
"Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father
had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what
he says. He's not really your father."
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been
a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty
close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had
particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating
on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into
my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching
around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25
floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back
into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25
stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed
on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart
attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again
asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got
lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I
couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.
I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell
into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to
be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and
now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was
repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be
different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over
and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he
started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's
parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece
of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a
day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a
telephone...on his hand and talking into his hand. The bar tender walks over and
tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed
in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bar tender says,
"Prove it." The guy dials up a number and 'hands' his hand to the bar tender. The
bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible",
says the bartender ... "I would never believe it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really
very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the
way, where is the men's room?" The bar tender directs him to the men's room. The
guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time.
Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes into the men's
room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down
and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god", said the bar tender,
"Did they rob you? How much did they get?"
The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first
house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and
soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the
third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,
and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He
said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went
horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of
control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things
could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this
happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as
the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing
consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for
heroes.
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was
drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the
balcony and jump off.
Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the entire process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of
him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then
jumping off the balcony, and yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do
it?"
Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I
slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite drunk out of his gourd, thought to himself, "Hey, why
not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony,
jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, SPLAT!
The bartender shakes his head, looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman,
you're an asshole when you're drunk."
This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans
of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a
dog before I can sell you dog food."
Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all
the way back to the store.
"Here's my dog!" weezed the tired customer.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."
Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and
says:
"Two cans of cat food please."
"Do you have a cat sir?"
"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food."
The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the
store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.
"Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food."
The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approches the clerk and places on
the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover.
"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.
"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk. "Do as I say!" ordered the guy.
Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.
"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy
"It looks like SHIT!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer replied
"THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing
hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing
weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the
pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk
"If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure
enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up,
then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies
"Your house."
